“Sleep Divorce”: Why Sleeping Apart Might Save Your Relationship
The term “sleep divorce” tends to raise eyebrows, conjuring up images of couples growing apart. But let’s clear the air: this term is a misnomer. In reality, sleeping in separate bedrooms isn’t a sign of a failing relationship—it can actually strengthen your bond by prioritizing something vital for both partners: quality sleep.
As a sleep expert, I fully support the idea of sleeping apart if it helps you and your partner rest better. Let’s dive into why this arrangement can work wonders for your relationship and why we should probably rethink the term “sleep divorce” altogether.
Why Sleep Matters for Your Relationship
A good night’s sleep isn’t just about feeling refreshed. Research shows that well-rested people are better at:
Teamwork: Navigating challenges together requires collaboration and clarity, both of which are easier with a well-rested brain.
Creative Problem-Solving: Whether it’s figuring out the logistics of daily life or finding compromises in conflict, sleep boosts your ability to think outside the box.
Empathy: Lack of sleep can make us irritable and self-focused, while a full night’s rest helps us tune into our partner’s feelings and needs.
In short, sleeping well is foundational to a healthy and thriving relationship.
Why Sleeping Separately Can Be a Game-Changer
Here are a few reasons why sharing a bed might not always lead to sweet dreams:
We Disrupt Each Other’s Sleep More Than We Realize. Even among healthy sleepers, sharing a bed means waking up your partner an average of 5.5 times per night. If one of you has insomnia, that number climbs to 7 times per night. And if sleep apnea is in the mix, disruptions can skyrocket to 9 or more times per hour. These interruptions may be so brief that you don’t remember most of them, but they add up, leaving both partners groggy and irritable.
Chronotype Mismatches. Your chronotype—your natural preference for early or late sleep-wake times—might not align with your partner’s. Sharing a bed can force one person to compromise on their biological rhythms, like going to bed before they’re truly sleepy, leading to insomnia nights and groggy mornings.
Air Quality Matters. If you have a large, well-ventilated bedroom with no pets in it, this should not be an issue. But if you’re sharing a small space, and especially if it’s with furry friends too, the change in air quality overnight could significantly impact your sleep quality.
Addressing Concerns About Sleeping Apart
When my patients worry about what separate sleeping arrangements mean for their relationship, I remind them that sleep isn’t a bonding activity—at least not once you’re unconscious! Here’s how you can make it work without sacrificing intimacy:
Bedtime Togetherness: You can still “go to bed” together! Spend time cuddling, talking, or being intimate before heading to separate rooms to sleep.
Quality Over Quantity: Focus on making the time you spend awake together meaningful and connected. Sleeping together may add to the tally of how many hours you spend in the same room, but may not really add to your quality time as a couple.
Reframe the Narrative: Instead of thinking of it as a “sleep divorce,” consider it an act of love and respect—a commitment to being your best selves for each other by prioritizing rest.
Final Thoughts
If sleeping apart allows both partners to get the restorative rest they need, it’s not a sign of distance; it’s a sign of care and intention. By ensuring you’re both well-rested, you’re investing in the health of your relationship. So let’s leave the negative connotations behind and embrace the idea that separate sleeping arrangements can be an act of togetherness—one that strengthens your bond while letting you both sleep soundly.
